I look back to the holy month of Ramadan: my family fasts from sunrise to sunset, no food, no water, and the utmost servility to God and his teachings. One day, we decide to break the fast with my cousins at a restaurant. We set off to eat at an off-brand halal version of Nandos called Franzos. We step off the tattered and littered pavement to enter the restaurant, loud chatter and a bustling scene, brown faces, brown clothes, brown words, brown families.
We sit down to break the fast and as a platter of chicken arrives and I take a sip of my off-brand cola, my cousin turns to me to ask, “X would you ever marry a white person?”. My time away from home caused me to forget the appropriate response as I replied, “Yeah, why not?”. Before she responds, I quickly realise how my blatant acceptance of a cultural taboo would elicit a strong response. I have long accepted my position as a cultural black sheep, but an outright display of everything that’s “wrong” with me is a much more sensitive manner.
I am not here to discuss the resulting conversation with my cousin, who – do not be fooled – is as close to a sister I have, but instead relationships in South Asian culture. Marriage is everything and dating is forbidden; this is the golden rule to relationships in our culture and already the burden of relationships is a heavy one. As one may have seen or have experienced first hand, brown men and women keeping their partners hidden and living a second life, is quite commonplace.
The taboo is too strong for individuals to truly claim their partner; a quasi-side chick seems to be an appropriate term for how we treat our partners. If marriage is everything, then what will happen to those currently dating in secret when they come out of the shadows? To those brave enough and have done it, it really just depends, mainly on race and religion. The transition from secretly dating to marriage is much smoother when the race and religion of the person is within the boundaries of cultural requirements.
I don’t mean to cast a damper on any current relationships between a white person and a South Asian person, yet a quite unfortunate trend seems to show it may not amount to anything. It’s an almost crueller iteration of an ‘ejaculate and evacuate’ or ‘hump and dump’, where one may engage in a real relationship with another only to leave them and marry someone who fits their parents’ standards. Or in an Islamic example, one may need to revert in order to begin the process of social acceptance by the family.
You may be wondering how ludicrous and unnecessary this whole debacle is, but for those in similar cultural circumstances, it makes sense to a certain extent. Our culture is not only our food or our clothes or the colour of our skin, but also the tradition we hold and have kept through thick and thin. There were plenty of opportunities to give up and try to fit in, yet the generations preceding us did not lose their sense of religion, marriage, and family even when bricks would be hurled through their windows and the prospect of walking to work became too dangerous. For some, it may just be a need to please their parents and the fear of disappointing them. For others it’s the prospect of a loss in our identity, an identity that has stood the test of time and abuse.
I care for my mother, and I know her only wish for me is to be a good Muslim, to marry a good Muslim and raise a Muslim family, but how does one reconcile this with one’s individual identity? Should I and other South Asians continue the trend of giving in to ensure the continuation of our culture and make our parents happy? For those that want to date and marry within the culture, this problem is not applicable, but for those who find themselves in such a predicament, a solution is needed. What that solution is, I have no idea.
As Christ once said, ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone’, yet I am with sin, too scared to be honest and too scared to venture untested waters like many others. As someone who is already quite isolated from the culture, it is less of an issue for when my situation causes me to become a social pariah – it is only a matter of time till I’m sent into exile. A larger dilemma arises for those who have a foothold in the culture but fall into the unfortunate circumstance of loving someone who may not be accepted.
Perhaps I’m just being pessimistic. Perhaps some good advice for anyone in any troubling situation is to just try. If you believe in something, why sacrifice it? Surely there is a way to not throw the baby out with the bathwater, a way to love who you love without losing your identity. The fallout for our decisions may be minor and maybe we just overestimate how bad things can be. We won’t ever know till we try.
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