I get jealous of children at the airports. Whenever I travel back to Poland, my country of birth, I look nostalgically at those carefree little humans; their time in the UK was just a vacation with a predefined beginning and an end, and now they were returning to their one and only home. Every day upon their return, they would speak Polish, see Polish car registration plates, pay in Polish currency, and not question any of it. I am jealous of the lack of questioning.
Before writing this article, I asked my friends what they find hardest about being an international student. They mentioned challenges I have already adapted to, like managing different expectations in academia, navigating unfamiliar healthcare, and overcoming the language barriers. They also listed challenges I struggle with most of the time, like not fitting in anywhere, missing your family and friends, and facing the impermanence of building a home in a place you might not stay. To me, underlying all these challenges is the fear of choosing wrong.
Whenever you make a choice, you can always wonder: have I chosen correctly? And if the choice concerns something as major as building your life, the fear of choosing wrong can be paralysing. Imagine constantly fighting with this scenario in the back of your mind you will eventually realise that moving was a mistake, but it will be too late to go back and start from scratch because everyone will be so far ahead, you might as well give up trying.
What does it even mean, far ahead? As my anxiety says, it is about settling with loved ones: friends, partners, children; growing roots together. But here comes the rebuttal: I came here just over a month ago and have already met people who feel like good friends; they get me. We would be having dinner and I would feel a sense of familiarity that I no longer feel with some old friends back home. And this new-found familiarity is what I hang onto in moments of doubt. As I get older, I have a clearer sense of what I am looking for in people, and I find it. Every time I move, I eventually find it. Maybe staying in one place would leave me lonelier than constantly moving but always finding the people I need at each stage of my life.
When I came with these doubts to my college counsellor, she gave me helpful advice: if you think Oxford might become home for you, make it so already. Stop seeing it as a temporary space. Invest in decorating your room, buy plants, find your favourite pub, and become a local. Treat Oxford like it is home already and maybe it will allow you to let go.
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